Have you ever seen someone around you run a red light? Have YOU ever run a red light? This is an interesting litmus test for understanding shared values. You probably think one of a few things: either “Yeah, I can see why they ran that red light, it made sense given the situation.” Or maybe, “Yes! You go! Take every advantage you can to get ahead in life!” Or possibly, “I cannot believe that person ran a red light! That’s against the law, and it causes a safety hazard for everyone else!”

The pragmatic reality of work (and life) is working with people that you see eye-to-eye with, and that can be a challenge when you are working together on a project. Now I’m not talking about just a disagreement on how to do something, or what the next steps should be. I’m talking about working with people that don’t even share the same goals and values as you.

What I’ve found is, if I am having a disagreement with someone, but we at least share the same vision and objectives, then we can eventually find common ground and work together. But sadly I have also had to work with people where this was not the case, and this can be a more difficult situation to handle. So what can you do about it?

Goals and Expectations

Firstly, you need to take some time to figure out in your own head what your clear goals and expectations are. Are there deliverables you are expecting that person to create? Are you supposed to be providing them something? Is there a decision to be made that requires consensus (or at least compromise)? The purpose here is to not get caught up in “proving them wrong” or taking emotional actions. Just as with defensive driving, the goal is not to “win” against the other drivers but to get to your destination safely. Keep that analogy in mind; you are trying to achieve some goal, not “win” against this other person.

Clear Communication

Now that you have your goals and expectations set, you need to communicate them clearly to that other person (and any other stakeholders, such as managers or project leaders). As in, “I am working on task X, and will provide deliverable Y to you on date Z. I also need deliverable A from you by date B in order to complete this task.”

One thing I’ve done is ensure that all my communications with this person include (and in extreme cases are limited to) discoverable written medium. By that I mean emails, or public chats. This doesn’t necessarily mean you never speak to them or interact in meetings, but you do make sure that whatever is said gets a follow-on email. One thing this does is forces you to think carefully about what you really want to say, and that you are being very clear in your decisions, actions, and expectations. This doesn’t mean there won’t be other misunderstandings but at least there’s no ambiguity or repudiation.

Accept the Truth

The driver in the other car may not share the same values as you with regards to red lights, but there’s a pragmatic reality that you are not going to change their mind. Yelling at them out the window is not going to make them suddenly change their values and behavior. Instead, you have to accept that this will happen, and make sure you are protecting yourself and are prepared to meet your goals anyways. This may mean driving alternate routes, waiting for someone to clear the intersection (even if you have a green light), and controlling your own temper and emotions.

This is the same at work. If you are a manager or leader you can define tasks, goals, and outcomes, but you cannot always convince someone to change their mind on something fundamental, such as “Are we here to make money or change the world?” Once you’ve accepted this, then you can plan and act accordingly with next steps, which at this point may involve things like adjusting your own behaviors (as I’ve described above), or in extreme situations, changing projects, teams, or even careers.